Boufin

Yesterday was the first time I'd noticed the Chicken Ranch neatly tucked away behind Glasgow's Queen Street station and being heavily intae chicken at the moment, I simply had to make a quick stop and taste to see how these cunts run their ranch.

When it comes to chicken eateries first impressions are crucial. If even for a moment you doubt the credentials of the place, I'd say trust your instincts and walk away. With this place for example even just the name itself speaks volumes (Chicken Ranch..doesn't sound too appetizing) Also the logo looks more like it should be on the cheapest box of eggs from your local spar and not on the sign for a serious fast food restaurant. No surprises then that first impressions were fairly wobbly but still...I persevered. Inside the place was eerily quiet,  “doesn’t seem to be too many chickens getting fried in here” were my thoughts, but throwing caution to the wind I order the simplest burger on the menu, the £2.80 fillet...was a bit of a shock at the price as I thought the place looked cheap and nasty, but this didn't reflect on their chicken pricing structure.

 

The burger itself was honking, plain, soggy and warm. It tasted to me like a caged chicken sat on it to keep it toasty, everything bad about a chicken burger nothing good. Left me with one of those chicken migraines. Alas my quest for fried chicken fillet perfection continues.

 

4/10

Grotti, 25 OCtober 

Intae Chicken

A new “Chicken Cottage” has recently opened on Glasgow’s Sauchiehall Street. Interestingly the first restaurant on the street dedicated to fired chicken (and lamb chops). I’ve noticed these guys seem to be becoming somewhat of a Super Power in the world of processed chicken fast food, with rapid expansion of their diners around most UK cities. And being a fan of the food in general and having never tasted a Chicken Cottage in my life I felt now was the time to see what the Cottage had to offer. 

Naively I order the most expensive chicken burger on the menu the modest “Spicy Mountain”. Which looked like the KFC tower, with hash brown, cheese and slab /lump of fried chicken together with lettuce and mayonnaise – “all good” I thought. But to my surprise the burger was actually pure shite…. all of this rammed together in the bun tasted like a hot meaty mush. A bit too ambitious in their efforts, clearly taking away from the flavours of the coated chicken crumbs, which is what I believe can really make a chicken burger become like a cat amongst pigeons.

This all made me realise that when it comes to a fast fried chicken burger, the simple approach is almost certainly the best. A fine seeded bun, with a perfectly fried piece of finely coated chicken, fresh lettuce, a dollop of mayonnaise is all that is required to make – for me - a fried chicken perfection. So the Spicy Mountain made me feeling a little frustrated at my choice. But I suspect the other burger wouldn’t have been much better. As for the place itself generic high street chicken, but with the added bonus of internet access and plasma screens pumping out the latest chart smash, all very good and well, but my primary concern was the product itself and except for having Irn Bru as a drinks choice, was a big let down. It’s clear that Chicken Cottage is a follower and not a leader in the fried chicken business. I’m aware in my quest for the perfect Chicken Burger I’m going to have to look a little harder than Glasgow city centre.

2/5

Grotti, October 2009

Dixy Chicken

Aaaah, Dixy Chicken. Or is that (Dixy) Chicken? It is always important to emphasise parentheses correctly, especially where Fried Chicken is concerned.
Original birthplace of the Dixie Chicks, it is believed they once crawled out of the primordial polyunsaturated slime contained within the deep fat fryer.
Based in upmarket, trendy Birmingham, it is a wonderful little establishment, with a friendly and low-key clientele. It may often be seen on television, its popularity is so great - usually 'Booze Britain' or 'Police Camera Action'. Many a chicken drumstick has gracefully flown from the hand of a drunken punter into the face of an approaching policeman. I'm sure they were most appreciative - I know I would be.
The Fried Chicken itself is a taste sensation - and don't even consider leaving without a heavenly corn-on-the-cob. Only the nuggets let down the side - instead of a golden brown coating they featured a furry sludge. 7.04%/10

Chicken Cottage

The chicken critics were this time pleased and united in their love of a strict, almost-monastic adherence to the principles of chicken restauranteurage laid out by the Colonel himself at this charming Clapham upmarket chickenasium. We were very impressed to discover a carbon copy of the sacred colour-scheme, photos and menu that has provided the staple tradition of Fried Chicken Britain for many years now. We were particularly also impressed by the patrons' ability to watch the whole of the holy golden frying process performed by skilled indigenous traditional chicken-chefs before us. While the chicken was first-class, we did feel slightly let down by the soggy green chips that accompanied the main dish, as well as the paltry size of baked bean portions on offer. Still, the Fried Chicken is always of course the primary concern and so our final score was a happy 6.3467/10.

Tasty Treats

Another lovely little London eaterie we discovered tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the 'hoi-polloi'. Serving not just Fried Chicken but, as the sign points out, kebabs and burgers as well. Our team of highly specialised and trained chicken critics were divided on this issue - some felt the purity of the Colonel's original vision had been somewhat diluted, while others strongly welcomed this innovative contemporary approach to high-street cuisine. All were agreed however that the quality of the hot wings was sublime and an almost bacchanalian pleasure to the palette. Equally sumptuous were the spicy fillet burgers and side-portions of coleslaw, although we did find that only offering cans of soft-drink imported from the near-east rather than paper cups filled from a special machine drenched in corporate insignia somewhat detracted from our otherwise very positive experience. High scores from the team overall despite the aforementioned deviances from that most sacred of foodstuffs, the Fried Chicken - 8/10.

The Colonel in Shepherd's Bush

Let's begin with this most classic of Fried Chicken establishments; a tried, genetically modified and tested favourite - Kentucky Fried Chicken aka KFC. This particular branch of the Colonel's extensive global empire is located in Shepherd's Bush, West London, and we sent our special team of chicken critics in to sample its mundane delights. We thought their Family Bucket Deal worth a special mention, truly a greasy gastronome's fantasy, while the free serviette policy was also most attractive. However we were mildly upset to discover them charging the outrageous and princely sum of tenpence per serving of mayonnaise. We gave them 7/10 overall... a good effort but no particular culinary flair, we were grateful not to find any pus-filled tumours in our fillet burger though.